when everything isn't so simple

this is my diary

2 years later…

So I used to think you were perfect for me. You were so handsome, sweet, funny, intelligent. I don’t necessarily feel that way. I love how comfortable I am around you. I love that you can push me to always do better. I love the way you are so completely motivated. I love the way you hold my hand so perfectly, it’s like we’re puzzle pieces. Only we aren’t. You aren’t someone that particularly strikes my interest anymore. You no longer provide such stimulating conversation. I’ve stopped falling for you, and I think that’s a problem. You no longer crack me up the same as you once could. My heart just isn’t there when we’re together. It seems like if I lose you, I’m losing my best friend. How can we still be friends after everything that’s happened, because if you have a real solution, I’m all ears. I don’t want to compromise the person that I want to be, but I can’t keep playing pretend. I know you don’t feel it either. I still want you in my life, but I can’t do this.

What began as simple procrastination has turned into me thinking I’m a detective (more like a dumb blonde in a scary movie) and investigating that noise I hear when I’m all alone in the darkest corner of the house. If I die, you know what happened…

Just make the move

Am I the only one feeling this crazy sexual tension? Of course there are reasons this shouldn’t work, but I think we should give it a try. I mean, sure, it could definitely have its awkward moments, but I still say it’s worth a chance. We only kind of live together. Best case scenario: it’s like fireworks and we can always do it again. Worst case scenario: we rock paper scissors for who gets to stay and who gets to move. Long story short: you’re cute. I’m weird. Let’s do it. 

I know I’m passive aggressive, because if I was aggressive, I’d never get what I want.

If I could annihilate all of the world’s selfish people for the betterment of the world and all its inhabitants, I hope you know you’d be the first to go.

I’m a coward.

I usually know what I should do. Unfortunately, more often than not, I’m too afraid of being alone to do anything about it.  I’m tired. I don’t care.  I am alone and maybe it’s about time I come to my senses and realize it.  Maybe this is just a shallow existence full of nothingness… Instead of becoming a full-fledge pessimist, I’ll try optimism out; life is what I make it, seeing as I only have one life to live, I damn well make of it a fucking good experience.

"Invite me to your wedding"

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this over the past two years with him.  What if there isn’t a wedding?  What if we just don’t work? What if that only makes the situation more difficult? Are you seeing something I’m not? What if I just want to be alone for a bit? What do I say now?

Gender roles. Is it bad I want to be the man in the relationship? Wear the pants, go to work and come home to dinner, bring home the bacon, play ball with the kids, parade as the head of the household, catch an occasional back rub every now and again.

Or maybe I just want a wife that cooks me dinner every night, surprises me with treats and presents just because he loves me, raises the (future) children while I’m off doing god-knows-what with god knows who, know that he is faithful and can trust he will never stray, does the house work without resentment toward me.

Or maybe I just want to much.  Maybe I have to be alone before I can be anything else.  Maybe I need to find my own stability before I can start imposing my so-called “reversed gender roles” on others.  Maybe I should move to New Guinea where the men are seen as self-proclaimed “breeding bulls” and nothing more, where the men are societally outcast if they don’t bring the female to orgasm every time they copulate.  Maybe this gender identity is too much pressure… What do I do next?

A real man.

Stands up for his girlfriend when people talk shit on her.  Especially without cause.  A real man doesn’t hide behind internet blocks. A real man doesn’t talk shit on his “good” friend’s girlfriend because she doesn’t blindly follow the herd.  A real man isn’t going to brag about treating a girl poorly.  A real man shouldn’t be so hard to find.